Dear Coleen
I’m a 22-year-old woman with a sister who’s 33. We got along well when we were younger and both lived at home, but now I can’t stand being around her as she’s always on my case.
She thinks she knows what’s best for me and her advice is really patronising. I know she talks to our mum about me too, which annoys me.
I’m very different to her (we have different fathers), but she’s constantly trying to mould me into a younger version of herself. I finished university last summer and since then I’ve done a bit of travelling, as well as casual work to earn money.
I’m happy and in no rush to be tied to the nine-to-five, but I feel my sister is judging me on it and I know she hates that my parents still give me money.
The other day, she made a snide comment about me “standing on my own two feet” when we were visiting my parents. I don’t want to fall out with her but, one of these days, I know I’ll explode and probably say stuff I regret.
I think my sister resents the fact I’m closer to our mum and that I grew up having both parents around. By the way, my dad has also been a brilliant dad to her. How can I get her to back off and let me live my life?
Coleen says
When there’s a big age gap between siblings, the older ones tend to take on more of a parental role. I’m the baby in my family and, when I’m with my brothers and sisters, I go back to being the baby and being treated like one.
“I’m the one they worry about and fuss over, even though I’m 60! So, I think it’s a sibling thing, but maybe in your case there’s also a bit of envy creeping in from your sister.
But instead of hating her for it, try to have some empathy. She’s at a different stage in life and maybe not having as much fun as you are.
The bottom line is, she can say what she likes, but you can do whatever you want to do. I know it’s hard if her judgment or nagging feels constant, but the next time she makes a comment, why not shut it down without getting angry or defensive? Say something like: “I’m only 22 and I don’t know what I want to do yet.
“I don’t have a lifelong plan, but I’m earning some money and I’ll figure it out. I’m happy, but thanks for your concern”.
As for your mum giving you money, that’s not really any of your sister’s business, but maybe ask your mum if she’d be OK not discussing it with her.
Most people your age are still figuring it out; my own daughter Ciara is 23 and had a meltdown recently about what to do with her life. My advice to her was just to start it because one path usually leads to another and something will fall into place.
There’s plenty of time to start adulting when you have a mortgage or a child but, until then, just enjoy being 22.
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